You’re in the middle of a stressful moment—your kids are fighting, your inbox is overflowing, and you feel that familiar tension rising in your body. You remember what you’ve heard a hundred times: Just take a deep breath.
So you inhale deeply… and nothing changes. You’re still overwhelmed, your heart is still racing, and now you’re even more frustrated because deep breathing is supposed to work—right?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many women I work with have tried deep breathing to calm their anxiety, only to feel like it doesn’t actually help. But here’s the truth: deep breathing works, just not in the way we’ve been taught.
The Real Reason Deep Breathing Doesn’t Work in the Moment
Anxiety isn’t just in your head. It lives in your nervous system. When you’re in an anxious state—activated, overwhelmed, or on the verge of snapping—your body is already in fight-or-flight mode. Your heart is pounding, your muscles are tense, and your brain is scanning for threats.
In that state, deep breathing can feel frustrating or even impossible because your body doesn’t feel safe enough to relax yet. Your nervous system is still running on stored stress, often from unprocessed emotions you’ve been carrying for days, weeks, or even years.
When to Practice Deep Breathing (So It Actually Helps)
The mistake most people make is only trying deep breathing in the heat of the moment. But to truly shift anxiety, you need to train your nervous system to feel safe before you’re activated. That means practicing deep breathing when you’re already calm—so your body learns how to access that state more easily when stress hits.
Think of it like strength training. You wouldn’t expect to lift a heavy weight for the first time when you’re already exhausted, right? In the same way, you can’t expect your nervous system to shift into calm when it’s already overloaded.
What to Do Instead of Forcing Deep Breathing
If you’re already anxious, don’t force yourself to “breathe through it.” Instead, try this:
Step 1: Move First, Breathe Later
Anxiety is energy stuck in the body. Before trying to slow your breath, do something active to release that energy:
Shake out your hands and arms.
Walk around the room or step outside.
Tense all your muscles for 5 seconds, then release.
This helps complete the stress response cycle, signaling to your nervous system that it’s safe to settle.
Step 2: Try a Physiological Sigh
Once you’ve moved, try a physiological sigh, which is one of the fastest ways to regulate your nervous system:
Take a deep inhale through your nose.
At the top of the inhale, take one more quick sip of air.
Exhale slowly and fully through your mouth.
Repeat 2-3 times.
This type of breath naturally resets the nervous system and is much easier to access when you’re feeling activated.
Step 3: Practice Daily When You’re Calm
To make deep breathing work when you need it, practice for just 2-3 minutes a day when you’re already feeling okay. Try a simple 4-6 breath (inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6) and notice how your body feels. Over time, this trains your nervous system to shift into calm more easily—even in stressful moments.
Real Calm Comes from Consistency
Deep breathing does work—but only when we use it the right way. Instead of expecting it to magically stop anxiety in its tracks, think of it as a tool you train with daily so that when stress hits, your body already knows how to return to calm.
Start small: pick one of the steps above and try it today. You don’t have to do this perfectly—you just have to start.
With love,
KM
